It wasn't anything but still it just couldn't go away with the time

I know that I am not a good person on anything related to emotion
All I want is some talking time
I know that she should probably give
or definitely
give every bit to you
still
I just want a bit of time and room and your life won't get affected

I am not talking to anyone or about anything
And I won't
I am also not a guy that picks up what happened before
I will wonder
But I will put it down and let it go eventually

Maybe these guys are just passengers in my short life
But I still want every bit to go with my way
I know it is impossible
But I still give myself a big level to achieve
which is never reasonable

I know I probably should not say anything more
After that night you got crossed up with me
I was truly afraid
And I was nearly crying
I don't know what to do
So my desicion was let it go
You were a good man
And you are
And you will be
because you consider me as a friend
And you understand my needs and wants
However when time comes to the deciding moment
Things still happen
I can appreciate and understand that
But I just can't resist myself

It is a pretty damn thrilling one and a half years
And probably I should say that I don't have one in that lovely summer ending
That was indeed one of my best times from my birth
And it will be a defying moment after all
Still
I can't get over you

I am not used to it
Maybe one day I will
But I do not want it to happen now
And I have no interest to find a replacement if you do more to restrict
or actually do what I said the other night
I was out of options
I do not want to get involved with anything
I want to escape anything that I can
But still I need refreshment

I want it to stay as what it is now
But it doesn't seem possible
And I do not want to go back at all
Coz there are too many memories that should have been forgot now

Anyway I am more mature now
I won't hurt myself
I won't drink
I won't overdose
I won't stay until very late and then go to bed
It is all going well on the study part
But it is all going down on the life part since 0:01, January 1st, 2016.

It is official and I really should have done nothing
I just cannot find another person to talk with and to chat to kid to do anything basically
She is like a sister or even a daughter that wants to share with you
A lot of people in their classes warn me of not getting closer
But I have my own decision and the result is that I lost two best friends at the beginning of this bloody hell month
I do not know why I never cry or even be worried about this at that time
But now when you look back you find that you have nobody to talk with and you do not want to contact with old ones
You can only focus on what you have and she is all
I have nothing else or nobody else at all

It is just some random thoughts that I cannot put on qzone or weibo or any other places
I think here is a safe place to just say something out
which makes me feel better
It is like Sherlock Holmes when he talks to that skeleton of a human head
I consider here as a friend
A silent friend
that won't get distracted

I have fear
Fear that she will leave
That is going to be true some days later for sure
But now I want to just talk to her
That is all the fucking thing I want
I promise for a thousand times to you that we won't go to that stage
But I know it isn't true
accoring to your personality and behaviour

It is hard to tell the truth in front of somebody
So do I
But it just does not feel great
Maybe I should be grateful that I still can talk for about 20 minutes
Yes I should
And I shouldn't be rambling here for about half an hour

It's been a pleasure
But there will be an end
I would like to have that happened as late as possible
Cheers
Good Night